Your phone buzzes at 11 p.m. It’s your friend again.
“I don’t think I can keep doing this.”
Your heart sinks. You want to help. You should help. But you also don’t know what to say, and honestly, you’re exhausted. This is the third time this week. Or maybe it’s been every weekend for the past year, always when they’re drunk or spiraling, and by morning, they act like nothing happened.
You stare at the message, feeling that familiar knot in your stomach: guilt mixed with resentment mixed with genuine concern.
If you’ve been on the receiving end of these messages, you’re not alone. And you’re not a bad person for struggling with how to respond.
The Moment Someone Reaches Out
When someone you care about sends that vulnerable text: “I need help,” “I’m struggling,” or “Can we talk?” it often catches you off guard. Your mind races:
- What if I say the wrong thing?
- What if they hurt themselves and I didn’t do enough?
- Am I qualified to handle this?
- What if I make it worse?
Here’s what’s important to understand: You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to show up as a caring human being.
What Actually Helps in That First Response
When someone reaches out in crisis or genuine need, they’re not looking for you to fix everything. They’re looking for connection, validation, and sometimes just proof that someone cares.
Helpful responses might look like:
- “I’m here. I’m listening.”
- “Thank you for telling me. That took courage.”
- “I don’t have all the answers, but I care about you and want to help figure this out.”
- “That sounds really hard. What do you need right now?”
- “I’m glad you reached out to me.”
What to avoid:
- Minimizing: “It’s not that bad,” “Others have it worse,” “You’ll be fine.”
- Immediate problem-solving: “Have you tried just not drinking?” “You just need to exercise more.”
- Making it about you: “This is really stressing me out, too.”
- Disappearing: Leaving them on read or giving one-word responses.
The Most Important Thing: Listen First
Before you offer advice, before you suggest solutions, just listen. Repeat back what you’re hearing: “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed and don’t know where to turn. Is that right?”
Sometimes people just need to feel heard. Other times, once they feel heard, they’re more open to taking the next steps.
When the Pattern Becomes Exhausting
But here’s where it gets complicated, and where a lot of people feel tremendous guilt: What happens when those crisis texts become a pattern?
When it’s every Friday night after they’ve been drinking?
What happens when they pour their heart out, you stay up until 3 a.m. talking them through it, they promise to get help, and then… nothing changes?
What happens when you realize you’re not actually helping them get better, you’re just becoming part of a cycle?
This is where many people feel stuck, because the narrative around helping someone in crisis rarely acknowledges this reality.
The Difference Between a Cry for Help and a Pattern
There’s a crucial distinction to understand:
A genuine cry for help is when someone recognizes they’re struggling and is taking a step toward change. They might not know what that change looks like yet, but there’s an openness, a readiness to engage with solutions.
A pattern is when someone reaches out repeatedly in crisis but isn’t willing or ready to take steps toward change. The crisis becomes the connection point — it’s how they reach out, but it doesn’t lead anywhere.
The second scenario can be exhausting because you might feel like you’re pouring energy into an endless situation. And unfortunately, you can’t help someone more than they’re willing to help themselves.
Signs You Might Be Stuck in an Unhealthy Pattern
- The messages always come at the same time or in the same state (drunk, late at night, after a fight)
- By the next day, they minimize what happened or don’t remember the conversation
- They resist any suggestion to talk to a professional, join a support group, or make concrete changes
- You find yourself canceling plans or losing sleep regularly to respond
- You feel anxious or resentful when you see their name on your phone
- Your own mental health is suffering
- You’re the only person they reach out to (putting all the weight on you)
- They become angry or manipulative when you suggest boundaries
If you’re nodding along to several of these, it’s time to reconsider how you’re showing up because the current dynamic isn’t helping either of you.
When and How to Set Boundaries
This is perhaps the hardest part: knowing when it’s okay to say, “I can’t keep doing this.”
Here’s your permission: It is okay to set boundaries, even with someone who is struggling.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you recognize that you cannot be someone’s entire support system, and that enabling a pattern of crisis without change isn’t actually helping them. It might even be preventing them from hitting the point where they seek real help.
How to Set Compassionate Boundaries
- Choose a calm moment, not during a crisis.
Don’t wait until you’re at your breaking point or until they text you at midnight. Reach out during the day when both of you are clear-headed.
- Be honest and direct, but kind.
“I care about you a lot, and I want to support you. But I’ve noticed a pattern where you reach out when you’re drinking and in crisis, and then we don’t talk about it again. I don’t think these late-night conversations are actually helping you get better, and they’re becoming really hard for me to handle.”
- Explain what you can and can’t do.
“I’m here for you, and I want to help you find resources like a therapist, a support group, or a treatment program. But I can’t be your crisis line every weekend. It’s affecting my own mental health.”
- Offer a concrete alternative.
“Instead of texting at 2 a.m., can we set up a time to talk this week about getting you connected with real help? I’ll help you research options, I’ll go with you to a meeting, but I need us to work toward actual change.”
- Follow through.
If you’ve set a boundary and they violate it, you need to hold firm. That might mean not responding to late-night texts or keeping responses brief: “I care about you, but like we talked about, I can’t do this anymore. Please call [crisis line number] or [mutual friend’s name]. We can talk tomorrow when you’re sober.”
Guilt Will Be There, And That’s Okay
You will probably feel guilty. You might worry you’re abandoning them at their lowest point. You might fear something terrible will happen, and it will be your fault.
Just know this: You are not responsible for another person’s recovery and you are not responsible for preventing every bad outcome.
You can care deeply about someone and still recognize that you are not equipped to be their therapist, their sponsor, and their emergency contact all rolled into one.
Boundaries aren’t punishment. If you burn out completely, you won’t be able to help at all.
What If You’re Worried About Safety?
There’s a difference between setting boundaries and ignoring genuine danger.
If someone expresses suicidal thoughts or you believe they’re in immediate danger:
- Don’t try to handle it alone. Call 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or 911 if there’s imminent risk.
- You can say: “I’m really worried about your safety right now. I’m going to call for help because I care about you.”
- For substance-related crises, you can contact a local crisis intervention team or mobile crisis unit.
You can both take their safety seriously AND recognize that you alone cannot keep them safe indefinitely. Professional help exists for a reason.
Finding Support for Yourself
Being on the receiving end of these messages takes a toll. You might need support, too.
- Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are support groups specifically for friends and family members of people struggling with addiction.
- Therapy can help you process the complicated emotions that come with watching someone you love struggle.
- Trusted friends who understand the situation can offer perspective and remind you that you’re doing the best you can.
You’re allowed to have feelings about this. You’re allowed to be frustrated, scared, sad, and exhausted, all while still caring about the person.
The Bottom Line
When someone reaches out for help, responding with compassion and presence is one of the most important things you can do. That first message might be the beginning of their journey toward healing.
But if those messages become a pattern that never leads to change, you’re allowed to step back. You’re allowed to say, “I love you, but I can’t keep showing up this way.”
Real help sometimes means refusing to participate in a cycle that isn’t working.
You can’t force someone into recovery; you can’t coerce someone into sobriety; you can’t sacrifice your own well-being indefinitely.
What you can do is be honest about your limits, encourage them to seek professional help, and trust that sometimes the most loving thing you can do is step aside.
You are not their savior. You’re their friend. And friends are allowed to have boundaries.
Additional Resources for You and Your Loved One
If you’re supporting someone struggling with substance use and need guidance, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Silver Maple Recovery offers support not just for those seeking recovery, but for their loved ones, too. Don’t hesitate to call. A Caregiver is available 24/7 to answer:
(440) 830-3400
Whether you’re trying to understand how to help someone you love, need guidance on setting healthy boundaries, or want to explore treatment options for a friend or family member, Silver Maple’s team can provide compassionate support and direction.
Organizations like the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline (1-800-662-4357) also offer free, confidential support and can help you find resources in your area.
