It’s hard to know when to step in.
Addiction rarely looks the way we expect. It doesn’t always mean someone is falling apart. Sometimes it means they’re still going to work, still texting back, still doing just enough to keep questions at bay.
Sometimes it means they keep saying, “I’m fine.”
But if you’re reading this, there’s probably a reason. Something feels off, something isn’t adding up or maybe your gut is telling you what your heart isn’t ready to hear. That’s okay.
At Silver Maple Recovery, we’ve walked through this with hundreds of families. Most didn’t know what to do at first. They just knew something had shifted, and they didn’t want to wait until things got worse.
So, let’s talk about what to watch for. And what you can do, gently, clearly, and without pushing them away.
What to Look for When “Fine” Doesn’t Feel Fine
Addiction, depression, anxiety: These things aren’t always loud. Often, they show up in small, consistent ways. You don’t have to be an expert to notice them. You just have to pay attention.
Here’s what that might look like:
- Mood and Behavior Changes
Irritability, withdrawal, unusual anxiety and quick temper. Or sometimes just a noticeable flatness—like the spark’s gone out.
- Shifts in Routines
Sleep patterns get erratic, meals get skipped, work attendance drops. Or they stop keeping up with basic things, like laundry, appointments, or returning calls.
- Financial or Legal Issues
Bills are going unpaid, money is tight but they won’t say why, they start borrowing—or avoiding. In some cases, there are legal red flags: DUIs, fines, court dates.
- Uncharacteristic Behavior
Plans get canceled last minute; new friend groups appear out of nowhere, their reliability slips, they’re harder to pin down.
- Secrecy and Defensiveness
They dodge questions, get overly reactive to simple concerns, change the subject quickly—or shut down completely.
These signs aren’t definitive proof. But they’re meaningful. According to SAMHSA, 94% of people with a substance use disorder don’t receive treatment—and one of the biggest reasons is that they don’t think they need it. That’s why your observations, your concern, your presence—matter more than you might think.
What They Say vs. What They’re Actually Showing
When someone says, “I’m fine,” here’s what that might really mean:
- I’m scared of what happens if I say I’m not
- I don’t want to be a burden
- I haven’t admitted it to myself yet
- I honestly don’t know where to begin
It’s not always defiance. Sometimes it’s fear, or shame, or total overwhelm. But if you know this person—if you’ve seen them at their best—then you also know when something’s changed.
Trust that.
How to Approach the Conversation (Without Pushing Them Away)
You don’t have to fix everything in one talk. In fact, most people don’t. But saying something—clearly and compassionately—can open a door that’s been stuck shut for a long time.
Here’s how to do that with care:
- Choose Your Moment
Timing matters. Don’t bring it up in a chaotic moment or during a conflict. Find a calm space. A walk. A car ride. A quiet evening. Let the conversation breathe.
- Use “I” Statements
Try this: I’ve noticed you’ve seemed different lately, and I’m worried. I care about you, and I just want to check in.
This keeps the conversation from sounding like an accusation—and makes it about how you feel, not what they’ve done.
- Be Ready with Options
You don’t have to push. But if they’re open, you can say: There are people you can talk to when you’re ready. I can help you find them.
You can mention treatment centers like Silver Maple Recovery and explain that there are levels of care—from detox to outpatient—and that the first step is just a conversation.
- Set Clear Boundaries if You Need To
Loving someone doesn’t mean ignoring what’s happening. It’s okay to say: I love you, and I want to help—but I can’t pretend this isn’t real anymore.
Boundaries aren’t punishment. They’re honesty.
- Follow Up, Gently
If the first conversation goes nowhere, that doesn’t mean it didn’t matter. Follow up later. Keep checking in, without pressure. Sometimes it takes hearing the same caring message more than once before someone’s ready to act.
A Reminder for Families: This Is Not Your Failure
If they resist, deny, or push back, it doesn’t mean you failed. Many people enter treatment only after several conversations with someone close to them. Sometimes it takes time to sink in and sometimes it takes hitting another low. But research shows that support from family and friends is one of the most powerful motivators for getting help.
Even if they say they don’t hear you, they do.
Even if they say they don’t want help, your concern still matters.
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
You’re not expected to know everything, you don’t need the perfect words, and you don’t have to navigate this without support.
At Silver Maple Recovery, we don’t just work with clients, we work with families. If you need help figuring out how to start this conversation, or what to do next, we’re here to talk it through with you.
One call won’t solve everything. But it might help you get to the next one—with more clarity, more support, and a plan.
We’re here when you’re ready. And we’ll be here tomorrow too.
